REFLECTING

The last 8 weeks or so have been a real journey for me, the advents that happened have all been out of my control and me not being in control is a very big challenge for me, for the last 7 years I have been holding my head just above the water line, trying to prove to the world that yes I am on my own no dad and mum behind me, full of resentment and hurt trying to show the world that yes I am on my own and I am going to cope, yes I can be independent of my family and the whole world. What I did not realise to now is I was just about coping pushing myself to the extreme working myself to breaking point just to prove a point.



I have tried this year to make many changes in my life and to pull myself out of my comfort zone which is never an easy thing to do, I have tried to make amends with my family, turn away the anger and the resentment that only I had, was a whole situation that I had made telling myself I don’t need you all, you were not around when it was just me and dad, but I was only hurting myself my family just carried on day to day with their lives, living each day. I think the real change came when my Great Niece was born in April, and I was over the moon and I thought I want to be in her life seeing she is the first girl to be born in my family in 51 years and she was a very special girl but that was another thing that slapped me in the face that I was not as important to my nephew as I always thought I was and it was not the dream I thought it would be, and it hurt not being recognised as the person in my Olivia Rose life that I wanted to be.


I had to take my place in the line and I was further down the line then I wanted to be. Control again, something that was out of my control. Now a very good friend of mine (smile) try to help me the best she could and said to me one day, that I was the Actor, Director, and producer of my own film and I was writing this film in my head the way it was all going to be, but I am not god, I cannot form the future and it was no good writing it all out in my head, I had to give up the fight, the future is not for me to write, I took a long hard look at myself and I had to admit to myself that yes I had bad traits and they had never worked in all the years that had gone by and I was once again at the bottom of the sea and had to swim back to the service with a whole lot of new tools and attitude if I was going to beat this.


It’s not easy looking at yourself and seeing the real person, I called myself ‘Miss Happy Go Lucky’ who was I kidding no one but myself, happy well I have not been happy for a long time, and you know what I cannot even remember a time when I was happy! So now it’s the time to show the real Christine not the one that lies behind the great big Façade that I have built up for myself.


It’s a time to be real, positive, and to face a new Reality.